One-Star Google Reviews of Famous Landmarks

While perusing the Internet in-between games of Foosball with my super-intelligent chinchilla, I’ve developed a great new hobby. As you probably know, looking up a business like a restaurant, movie theater, etc. on Google Maps will show you reviews left my users. If you look up a famous landmark, like the Pyramids of Giza or the Great Wall of China, you’ll find thousands of glowing, five-star reviews, but also a few one-star reviews that make your head spin. I thought I’d share a few of them here:

Great Pyramid of Giza

This place is so old and dusty. Looks like it’s been there forever no one updates the architecture or interior design. How about a fresh coat of paint once in a while? What could that cost? Local signage was hopeless – what’s with all the squiggles and dots?

 

From UNITED INDIANS!:

It is just a burial ground. Indian ancient architecture  are older,bigger and artistic than these.

 

Why couldn’t they be circles because triangles are boring.

 

The food wasn’t that good. It was really dry and hot.

 

Very un  organized , nobody tries to give u clues where to go it’s as if they picked the worst men / police men to do the job  , parking is terrible , went up the great pyramid, no aeration , same way in is same way out which makes it so risky to get in or out .no road signs to guide u to the places. Will never go there  again

 

I was invited to pizza but they said they said Pyramid of Giza, I heard P—-iza! Scam

 

Pyramid of Khafre

Sphinx had no nose, very major detail. Don’t expect building a world wonder and leaving such a important detail out. Wow egyptians just wow

 

Wow this is grabage i almost fell off

 

I cam to see the largest pyramid not the second tallest pyramid

 

Fell off the pyramid wasn’t a H1Z1 experience as there were no zombies to @ me so yeh but is cool

 

Pyramid of Menkaure

This puny embarrassment of a pyramid puts its two neighbors to complete shame. What, did they run out of stone? Did they get tired?

 

The scar on its face is from the early 13th century when the Ayyub dynasty tried to tear it down. I say we finish the job.

 

The workmanship is quite shoddy, the plumbing sucks….looks like it could fall at any time…… they didn’t even install handrails or economic lighting.

 

I thought id get free electricity with my tesla coil. Guess it’s out of juice

 

Eiffel Tower

It was very cool to see the White House! It’s nice seeing where the President lives. I recommend visiting the important building. (Please note that we did not actually enter the White House’s interior, we only saw the outside.). A must see when you visit DC! I was overwhelmed with how incredible and noteworthy this place is! We also got to see the president fly over which was pretty cool!

 

Great Wall of China

I wanted to see what was so interesting about this area. I’ve heard a lot about it, but when I went there was a wall in the way. It was kinda ugly actually, but it blocked me from seeing why everyone talks about this area. Not enjoyable.

 

couldn’t see it from space i was lied to.

 

They are a chinese restaurant. Placed 2 separate orders through Grub Hub and for no explanation…cancelled by Grub Hub. Still in business???

 

to say the least.. i am gutted. this “Wall” is merely a fence, i have seen better walls on the US/Mexican border. 2 stars purely for the fact that i am a wall collector.

 

the wall is going to collapse under my immense muscle as i stroll across its rocky steps but first ill have to build it because it isn’t real

 

Ya’ll got it wrong. My grandma built this when she was able to say H~A~M~B~U~R~G~E~R

 

Taj Mahal

This place is situated at Agra city of Indian state Uttar Pradesh. This place is a major tourist attraction not only for Indians but for foreigners also. This place is having some greenery also which makes it more important as natural perspective. This is a historical place. There are many places to see inside the premises.

 

Monument is incredible but the services at the monument is pathetic. I stood for 3 hours in line. Internet was banned there and debit cards were not working.

 

I’ll let you know if I find any more of these review gems. Cheers!

I’ve participated in another interview with Chat and Spin Radio! While you’re cooped up inside, you can listen to it here (my interview begins at around 26 minutes into the recording.) Also, if you can manage it, please donate to Chat and Spin via Paypal:

Book Reading and Giveaway at the Ronald McDonald House!

Doing author events for charity is always a great experience: I get to help out a good cause and share my writing with people in one fell swoop. It’s like eating an egg wrapped in bacon wrapped in a waffle!

On a few Saturdays in May, I’ll be holding author reading and book giveaway events at the Ronald McDonald Houses in Denver and Aurora, Colorado! I’ll be joining Curt Fulster of C. Fulsty Books at the Aurora house on May 12 and at the Denver house on May 19. Both events will start at 6:30pm.

During the events, we’ll be reading from our books, answering questions, and giving away plenty of copies to the Houses’ families.

For those who don’t know, the Ronald McDonald House works closely with Children’s Hospital to provide housing, food, and other services to out-of-town families. Since there are only a handful of Children’s Hospitals in the world (and they all specialize in different ailments), a lot of families must travel out-of-state and even out of the country to stay near their kids.

These families have to worry about finding hotels, renting cars, paying for gas, and a bunch of other stuff you just don’t want to worry about when your kid’s in the hospital. So the Ronald McDonald House provides nice rooms, hot meals, and even entertainment to out-of-town families.

I didn’t just pick the Ronald McDonald House out of a random hat-o-charities, either. As I mentioned in the post about the charity month, my baby cousin was diagnosed with and died from brain cancer in 2000. I’ve also had a close friend deal with childhood cancer in recent years.

I live in Colorado, so I never stayed at either of the Colorado Ronald McDonald Houses while my cousin was receiving cancer treatments. But when I learned about the House, I couldn’t help but think “I can’t imagine what it’d be like to go through this if I lived out-of-state.”

Also, in 2006, I performed my Eagle Scout service project by supplying the Denver Ronald McDonald House with storage shelves. I raised over $3000, purchased a bunch of shelving racks from Costco, and instructed and collaborated with other boys to set them up. As far as I know, the RMH is still using the shelves.

The Ronald McDonald House helps out a ton of families, and I’m glad to help them in any way I can.  It’s going to be great!

Llama Knowledge for Posterity

Every great mind has its area of expertise. Einstein plumbed the physical secrets of the universe. Proust changed the world of literature. Edison pioneered modern invention.

And I write about llamas.

While crafting my life’s work, I’ve learned quite a bit about these wooly, flea-covered sheep-horses of the plains. I thought it might be fun to share a little of my knowledge. So without further adieu, I give you:

Monkey-Spankingly Fascinating Llama Facts

  1. Llamas can be separated into two groups: ccara llamas (which have shorter fur) and curaca llamas (which have longer fur.) I’m guessing Jeeves is a ccara llama, but maybe that’s something he’ll reveal to us later.
  2. Llamas have a natural fear of canines, like dogs and coyotes. This makes them useful for guarding sheep, since a llama will naturally freak out if a wolf or coyote comes near the herd. That may explain the negative reaction to the screening of “Old Yeller” I held at that South American ranch.
  3. When they’re provoked or threatened, llamas will spit at the source of the problem (see page 26 of Bob and the Pop-Up Book of Destiny.) Though they sometimes spit at humans, they mostly spit at other llamas. It’s a regular loogie-palooza!
  4. Llamas do not actually have hooves. Instead, they have two giant toenails on each foot with a pad underneath. They’re the animal kingdom’s equivalent of that creepy manicurist lady who works at a kiosk at the mall.
  5. Llamas can carry a quarter of their body weight, so they’re often used as pack animals on long journeys. However, they know their limits. If you try to put too much weight on a llama’s back, it’ll lay down or refuse to move.
  6. A llama’s stomach has three separate compartments. These are known as the executive, legislative, and judicial.
  7. A baby llama is called a “cria”, which sounds like an overpriced pastry you’d buy from one of those trendy bakeries.
  8. Llamas can eat up to 6 pounds of food per day. That’s almost as much as Paula Dean and Chris Farley’s heretofore undiscovered son, Ben.
  9. Llamas are believed to have been one of the first animals domesticated by humans. They were used by the people of ancient Peru to carry heavy loads, build cities, and play the lead roles in community theater productions of “Rebel Without a Cause.”
  10. Llamas communicate with their ears and tails, but mostly speak to each other by humming.
  11. The Andean people consider llamas sacred animals and refer to them as “silent brothers.” Kind of like Harpo Marx or Mr. Bean.
  12. Llamas are very clean animals and have almost no odor. Even their poop doesn’t have much of a smell to it, making it the perfect gift for your grandmother’s birthday or your wedding anniversary.
  13. Speaking of natural fecal wonders, every llama in a herd will poop in the same place, creating a community dung pile. By sheer coincidence, “community dung pile” was the name of my high school garage band.
  14. When they’re two years old, male llamas sprout a pair of “fighting teeth” to use in combat with predators and other llamas.
  15. Finally, llamas have specially-shaped blood cells, which store more oxygen. These cells allow llamas to survive at really high altitudes. They’re a bit like the Bear Grylls of red blood cells.

Stay tuned for more info on llamas, ancient treasures, and spongy snack cakes.