Author: Joseph Caldara

I am a children's author, walrus wrestler, giant robot pilot, and eater of ham. Check out some of my stories and musings on life.

One-Star Google Reviews of Famous Landmarks

While perusing the Internet in-between games of Foosball with my super-intelligent chinchilla, I’ve developed a great new hobby. As you probably know, looking up a business like a restaurant, movie theater, etc. on Google Maps will show you reviews left my users. If you look up a famous landmark, like the Pyramids of Giza or the Great Wall of China, you’ll find thousands of glowing, five-star reviews, but also a few one-star reviews that make your head spin. I thought I’d share a few of them here:

Great Pyramid of Giza

This place is so old and dusty. Looks like it’s been there forever no one updates the architecture or interior design. How about a fresh coat of paint once in a while? What could that cost? Local signage was hopeless – what’s with all the squiggles and dots?

 

From UNITED INDIANS!:

It is just a burial ground. Indian ancient architecture  are older,bigger and artistic than these.

 

Why couldn’t they be circles because triangles are boring.

 

The food wasn’t that good. It was really dry and hot.

 

Very un  organized , nobody tries to give u clues where to go it’s as if they picked the worst men / police men to do the job  , parking is terrible , went up the great pyramid, no aeration , same way in is same way out which makes it so risky to get in or out .no road signs to guide u to the places. Will never go there  again

 

I was invited to pizza but they said they said Pyramid of Giza, I heard P—-iza! Scam

 

Pyramid of Khafre

Sphinx had no nose, very major detail. Don’t expect building a world wonder and leaving such a important detail out. Wow egyptians just wow

 

Wow this is grabage i almost fell off

 

I cam to see the largest pyramid not the second tallest pyramid

 

Fell off the pyramid wasn’t a H1Z1 experience as there were no zombies to @ me so yeh but is cool

 

Pyramid of Menkaure

This puny embarrassment of a pyramid puts its two neighbors to complete shame. What, did they run out of stone? Did they get tired?

 

The scar on its face is from the early 13th century when the Ayyub dynasty tried to tear it down. I say we finish the job.

 

The workmanship is quite shoddy, the plumbing sucks….looks like it could fall at any time…… they didn’t even install handrails or economic lighting.

 

I thought id get free electricity with my tesla coil. Guess it’s out of juice

 

Eiffel Tower

It was very cool to see the White House! It’s nice seeing where the President lives. I recommend visiting the important building. (Please note that we did not actually enter the White House’s interior, we only saw the outside.). A must see when you visit DC! I was overwhelmed with how incredible and noteworthy this place is! We also got to see the president fly over which was pretty cool!

 

Great Wall of China

I wanted to see what was so interesting about this area. I’ve heard a lot about it, but when I went there was a wall in the way. It was kinda ugly actually, but it blocked me from seeing why everyone talks about this area. Not enjoyable.

 

couldn’t see it from space i was lied to.

 

They are a chinese restaurant. Placed 2 separate orders through Grub Hub and for no explanation…cancelled by Grub Hub. Still in business???

 

to say the least.. i am gutted. this “Wall” is merely a fence, i have seen better walls on the US/Mexican border. 2 stars purely for the fact that i am a wall collector.

 

the wall is going to collapse under my immense muscle as i stroll across its rocky steps but first ill have to build it because it isn’t real

 

Ya’ll got it wrong. My grandma built this when she was able to say H~A~M~B~U~R~G~E~R

 

Taj Mahal

This place is situated at Agra city of Indian state Uttar Pradesh. This place is a major tourist attraction not only for Indians but for foreigners also. This place is having some greenery also which makes it more important as natural perspective. This is a historical place. There are many places to see inside the premises.

 

Monument is incredible but the services at the monument is pathetic. I stood for 3 hours in line. Internet was banned there and debit cards were not working.

 

I’ll let you know if I find any more of these review gems. Cheers!

I’ve participated in another interview with Chat and Spin Radio! While you’re cooped up inside, you can listen to it here (my interview begins at around 26 minutes into the recording.) Also, if you can manage it, please donate to Chat and Spin via Paypal:

The Wubulous World of Blogging

Being an author these days is a lot like being a carnival barker for a 1930s penny arcade or circus: you have to be able to sell your own work. If you’re self-published, you don’t have a publisher backing you up and are basically one shouting merchant in the marketplace from Raiders of the Lost Ark. And even if you have a publisher, your marketing is largely up to you.

So how should you go about it? Obviously, things like school author visits are a fantastic way to share your writing, but they don’t happen every day. You could hire Meryl the flying yak to bleat your name from the rooftops, but I don’t have that kind of cash.

Lots of authors also maintain a blog, which helps get their name out there. Having a blog lets potential readers get a sense of your personality, your interests, and just who the heck they’re buying books from But what should you blog about?

Well, if you’re like me, you blog about the intricacies of Scooby Doo, fast food, the ancient sport of lightsabers dueling, Sesame Street, gerbils, beards, and the dark god of the ‘90s known as the Furby. My blog is truly a place for those of high intellect and innate curiosity.

So head over to https://josephcaldaraauthor.com/blog/ and check out my musings. Just don’t take it too seriously. I don’t want to get angry letters from Furby fanboys.

Book Reading and Giveaway at the Ronald McDonald House!

Doing author events for charity is always a great experience: I get to help out a good cause and share my writing with people in one fell swoop. It’s like eating an egg wrapped in bacon wrapped in a waffle!

On a few Saturdays in May, I’ll be holding author reading and book giveaway events at the Ronald McDonald Houses in Denver and Aurora, Colorado! I’ll be joining Curt Fulster of C. Fulsty Books at the Aurora house on May 12 and at the Denver house on May 19. Both events will start at 6:30pm.

During the events, we’ll be reading from our books, answering questions, and giving away plenty of copies to the Houses’ families.

For those who don’t know, the Ronald McDonald House works closely with Children’s Hospital to provide housing, food, and other services to out-of-town families. Since there are only a handful of Children’s Hospitals in the world (and they all specialize in different ailments), a lot of families must travel out-of-state and even out of the country to stay near their kids.

These families have to worry about finding hotels, renting cars, paying for gas, and a bunch of other stuff you just don’t want to worry about when your kid’s in the hospital. So the Ronald McDonald House provides nice rooms, hot meals, and even entertainment to out-of-town families.

I didn’t just pick the Ronald McDonald House out of a random hat-o-charities, either. As I mentioned in the post about the charity month, my baby cousin was diagnosed with and died from brain cancer in 2000. I’ve also had a close friend deal with childhood cancer in recent years.

I live in Colorado, so I never stayed at either of the Colorado Ronald McDonald Houses while my cousin was receiving cancer treatments. But when I learned about the House, I couldn’t help but think “I can’t imagine what it’d be like to go through this if I lived out-of-state.”

Also, in 2006, I performed my Eagle Scout service project by supplying the Denver Ronald McDonald House with storage shelves. I raised over $3000, purchased a bunch of shelving racks from Costco, and instructed and collaborated with other boys to set them up. As far as I know, the RMH is still using the shelves.

The Ronald McDonald House helps out a ton of families, and I’m glad to help them in any way I can.  It’s going to be great!